Humbled by my past week's experience and performances, I returned home exactly one week from yesterday to Rochester, NY from a beautiful and rewarding getaway to New England. My journey began in Ithaca, NY, which I was rekindled with an old friend, former college classmate, and Art major. We laughed thinking back to fond memories of our past, and shook our heads in disbelief as this May marks our five year departure from the lives we once led as wild, free spirited students. In catching up on each other's current lives, and listening to one another speak, rapidly it became apparent how our commitments, priorities and focuses have driven us away from our former wild selves. Growing up is a funny thing. Thinking back to the times which I proclaimed adulthood, yet barely took ownership, I happily am prepared to close in on my twenty sixth year, and embrace my twenty seventh with open arms. 

My first genuine experience traveling on my own, to new foreign territory, From destination to destination I hopped with little expectation, and my fifty five pound keyboard in arms. American destinations, yet foreign in the sense which I didn't know anyone, and solely had myself to rely on. Traveling on my own gave me the opportunity to reconnect with myself,  and to escape my regular tiresome routines. The change in scenery appeared even more beautiful, as early spring 70-80 degree weather made it all feel like a summer dream. Feeling no pressure to succumb to the requests of others, I traveled with very little agenda, making it my sole priority to explore my surroundings, and to share my music and message with those whom which I was encountered. Above all else this was my personal challenge to take everything I've learned in twenty seven years, and to captivate an unfamiliar audience. 

When not on the road or performing,  I took it upon myself to scheduled in enough time to explore my surrounding areas outside of where I was entertaining. I walked through an ancient cemetery in historic Salem, window shopped thrift stores, took the "T" and lost myself in the city of Boston, explored the many squares' of Cambridge, MA and admired the wealth and beauty of plantation-like homes of enchanting Ridgefield, Conneticut. 

Along the way I was introduced to an array of uniquely open minded individuals, all of which told very different stories, yet had in common a warm and welcoming presence about them. One another we learned as we shared cheap drinks, and conversed intellectually. Automatically I felt fortunate as the presence of those special individuals whom which I fondly speak, enriched my experience as they took time out of their busy schedules to extend their world to me. Beyond blessed I feel to have met, and to be able to claim them as my new friends. 

With four new performances under the belt, four new cities conquered, the extra miles became just a mere representation of how rewarding the pay back can be when you diligently are working hard for a purpose and towards a cause. I've chosen to acknowledge the weaker points that every new year will naturally possess, and in doing so, have discovered what has become potentially beneficial in the process. It's in sweeping up the pieces, picking up where I've left off, and in continuing to push forward that I've become self educated on the pertinence of living for the moments that rattle your core, and which shape you into a better version of your former self.

An expedition permanently marked in my heart and mind, now physically inked on my left wrist as the word "Discover" above the roman numerals for the number twenty seven serve as a reminder of the accomplishments, and growth achieved in all events leading up to my twenty seventh year of existence (Yes Mom and Dad, another tattoo…). A year well worth celebrating as I feel ever most complacent within my own skin, and with the direction I continue to grace. 

My music peer and friend posted this link to an article on a Rochester Music Scene forum which I found interesting.(http://www.scribd.com/mobile/documents/78468650/download?secret_password=1mau7355oabwxsvgks0v)  Much of what you are about to read has been cut and pasted from my personal response to the article, as well as my input in response to 32+ comments and responses posted from other musicians in the area. The timing in which this article has been posted is comical, considering as I am now typing this very blog, exhausted upon my return from a 14 hour round trip drive to Manhattan in the past 24 hours for an hour performance last night in the Lower East Side of the Village.

I have been playing smaller Manhattan clubs fairly frequently on and off for the past 2 years, and I can tell you that my experiences have been both frustrating and rewarding. The expectations of larger cities ARE slightly ridiculous. However, I know what I'm getting myself into, and now understand how it works down there, and have over time accepted it for what it is. I take A LOT of risk with my travels. The fact of the matter is that  in a larger city, we are tadpoles in an ocean with heavy tides. Sure your talented, but so are some of the homeless men on the streets with an open empty sax case playing for those passing by, hoping for some spare quarters and dimes. 
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Generally speaking, HOW IT WORKS IN NYC (which from the sounds of it, it isn't that much different that LA):
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CONGRATULATIONS! YOU'VE BEEN BOOKED IN MANHATTAN!! Now here are the expectations:
*$10 cover -

You are expected to bring in at least 10 people. For the first 10 people you bring in the door, the money goes to the VENUE. Every person accounted for after that, you get the door, or half the door. For someone traveling from out of town, in a new area, you are lucky if you can even stretch the 10 people. 

*Generally no hospitality (free drinks, food),  1/2 off drinks if you are LUCKY and ask for it. 

*If you are traveling from out of town, chances are you are put on a bill with a 45 min time slot, an hour if you are lucky or if someone backs out, with 5-8 other bands traveling from out of town with the same exact expectations as you. 

* There are generally 2 levels to each venue. Some venues have entertainment on both floors. Unless you have a great following, talking 100+ people,  don't expect to ever be put on the main floor which will ultimately give you the exposure you are seeking, and traveling for in the first place. Instead, you will be playing either upstairs where there is NO built in crowd, or downstairs with NO built in crowd for the 10 people you hopefully brought in, and whom you will receive no compensation for bringing.

NOT SO GLAMOUROUS HUH?

SO BASICALLY, you are required to bring in your own crowd, you are not getting any real exposure to City folk, big industry people, etc, and you're either getting paid very little if anything at all. THIS IS WHERE I UNDERSTAND THE AUTHORS ARGUMENT.

This however, does not stop me from making my regular trips down to the city, or from continuing to play Manhattan. "WHY, IT'S NOT WORTH IT?" No, it IS worth it. I just have to be smarter and work a little bit harder if I want to be rewarded.  

My experiences have taught me much. I've been discouraged, I've played a Manhattan club for 2 people, and I've also played for a packed smaller room of a 100 people. I honestly NEVER know what to expect, and typically walk in expecting nothing, because expectations lead to disappointment. It's not worth the bad energy. If I'm proven wrong, I'm happy and I can write it off as being a successful trip. What I've learned is that NETWORKING with other bands from the area IS KEY. Recently I've opened for a few kind bands, who ARE bringing in people, which has given me the exposure and opportunity to perform for a new crowd of listeners who are taking my Cds, passing on my music to their peers, and who are inviting me back to play more shows with them. My resume is building, and I'm getting invited to play better venues with more notoriety. It's been 2 years, an uphill battle, and it's now all finally making sense and paying off. 

I've found that playing City burrows, and just outside a major city to be more beneficial. Brooklyn for example- totally different scene than Manhattan. You will always have a room full of listeners. They crave original music with substance. If you want to get paid decently, you have a better chance at getting paid in outside areas, or in an area than may be 10-20 minutes outside a major city. Sure it SOUNDS great to say you've played Boston, but why should I risk playing Boston with the chance of dealing with the same bullshit as Manhattan, when I can play Cambridge get the exposure I'm seeking, and get paid like a real artist should?
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ARGUMENT REGARDING ADVERTISING/PROMOTION:
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MUSICIANS: WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT…….
If you want to play out, if you want people to catch wind of who you are, if you want to get paid, YOU HAVE TO TRY your hardest, DO YOUR PART, no matter what city or venue. IT'S A BUSINESS ON BOTH ENDS. YOU don't want to play for a crowd of no one, and THE VENUE isn't looking to hire someone who can't bring any new paying customers to their establishment.  

My following locally is decent, not tremendous, but that doesn't stop me from getting hired to perform, from getting paid well, nor stop me from trying to increase my draw and from trying in general. I do well as a solo artist because I put the time into my craft, and because I also promote my ass off for EVERY show, near and far. Anyone who knows me knows that. If I'm playing out of town, I take it upon myself to promote even harder, because I know I am outside of my comfort zone, and can't draw as well as I would locally.  I take full advantage of social media, have posters out 1 week and a half to 2 weeks prior to each scheduled performance, and take advantage of all FREE resources, sites/tools. YOUR EFFORTS should not end at getting the gig booked. To those who have bookers which do half the work for you, YOU HAVE NO EXCUSE and no right to complain if you aren't taking advantage of the same opportunities, and taking it upon yourself to promote. VENUE OWNERS, the same applies to you. The least a venue owner can do for their hired entertainment is shout it out on social media. It doesn't require a whole lot, it's free, and it is beneficial for both parties involved, and in maximizing your overall turnout for an evening. It's your business, you're doing something cool by providing entertainment, capitalize, but be fair. 

Working as a musician has brought me such happiness. I am very grateful for the relationships that have blossomed and developed, both personally and in business. 

These past few weeks have been a joy ride. I had the opportunity to spend some time and be reconnected with two of my best friends from adolescence, be with my family and back in touch with my home base, and relive the excitement of walking in the shadows of New York's towering city sky scrapers. The new individuals who've recently stumble into my life, and those friends whom have resurfaced have been incredible. From dedicated fans traveling an hour to see me perform at an ice cream shop in Albany, to rocking out to Girl Metallica with a friend who is a piece of my childhood, to the mind boggling music connections that have me VERY excited for the future.......Life is really good. I'm living one day at a time as I'm realizing that true control is not in our possession. Life is going to happen as it happens. I'm just going along with the flow and taking it all in for what it's worth. 

No doubt are many aspects of this field frustrating at times, but I honestly don't see how people could belittle the journey. Generally speaking, there always will be hurdles to jump. It's all about learning to land on two feet without a stumble. Landing gracefully takes time and practice, and with that time and practice comes perfection. I find the challenge exciting. Each performance is like a box of chocolates. I find beauty in wonder; because if you don't know, you can't expect. I believe it's possible to be optimistically realistic. Setting the bar too high leads to disappointment and unnecessary frustration. You have to be honest with yourself, with where you are placed in your current state, and figure out how to keep pushing forward towards becoming a better version of the former you. 

I've gained much from my recent series of adventures. The opportunities that life has presented me thus far have been mind-blowing. They have taught me to find pleasure and beauty in those things easily taken for granted. They've taught me to take in the moment for its experience and knowledge earned.  They taught me to find balance in all areas of my life, and to evenly distribute and recognize the difference between needing, wanting, and loving. 

I WANT to live a life unbiased, free of judgement and full of reason. I WANT to be surrounded by those who make what i just stated attainable. I NEED to be dedicated to all it's cause, I NEED to set my goals and work hard at attaining them.  I want to LOVE, be loved in return by those who help shape me into a better me, and who continue to fuel my passion, desire and LOVE for music and to live out my dreams. There is much to learn and take from one another, and even from ourselves. We are a product of our environment, our choices, and our relationships. I feel there's always something to gain from each experience. It's what one chooses to do with their newfound knowledge, and how they apply it to their current situation that shapes who they're becomming. 

Throughout the course of my childhood, Small animals occupied and temporarily filled the void of having a pet dog. My love for animals began as a child. My mother, not a huge admirer of the responsibility attached to having an animal, frequently dismissed my request for a dog for many years. It seemed as if I had just finally raised the white flag as my parents decided to finally cave and give me the dog I  had wished my entire childhood for.  I was thirteen years old as my Aunt, mother and I stood among a crowded room of people swarming around North Shore Animal League employees handling assorted breeds of nine week old puppies. As I impatiently awaited my turn to hold a restless, hyper Beagle puppy, my attention diverted to the opposite corner of the room as my eyes met with a more docile Akita/German Shepherd mix cradled in the arms of a young volunteer. She had sad hazelish brown eyes, sandy colored fur, and a mane which framed her shepherd like face. Into my arms she slipped, and in an instant I knew that she was the furry friend I had forever longed to have. 

After what seemed like hours of paper work, together we rode back to Sadie's new home in the back seat of my mother's grand Cherokee. She was the cutest thing I had ever seen, and I couldn't wait for the moment to introduce her to my sister, father and friends. Together we grew, as I transitioned from young adolescent to a college bound teen. Together we'd exercise, taking long walks, and running beside me as I'd rollerblade throughout my old neighborhood. She'd sit next to me and would listen as I'd compose my first compositions and would practice my music. She'd be the first to greet me in the morning with a melodic howl, would await for me to return home by the glass door, and would wiggle and dance upon my entry. Sadie became a part of the family, and was one family member whom which I was most sad to leave as I embarked on my journey to college and young adulthood. 

As time continued to pass, as my new life began away from home, and as I was busy at school, Sadie more or less fell into the hands of my mother and father. Days after my college graduation I  moved to Rochester and was faced with the decision as to whether or not I wanted to take Sadie along with me.  With Sadie having had been older, it seemed unfair to take her out of her familiar setting to have to re-adjust to a new environment, depriving her of the many luxuries she had back in Long Island. Originally purchased for me, she slowly transitioned into the family dog, and then again eventually into my father's spoiled companion. 

Today I write, heartbroken by the decision to lay Sadie to rest.  Slowly, in her old age she began to deteriorate, despite her undying desire to eat Mcdonnald's happy meals, table scraps, and to mischievously steal balls off of the Christmas tree. Tumors engulfed her body, cataracts clouded her eyes, and with a limp she'd walk as her strength weakened and as Arthritis attacked her joints. Knowing what was right for her, and knowing that her time were nearing its expiration doesn't make it any easier to accept and swallow the sadness strung along with the truth. 

Fourteen years of a life well fed and well loved, from both human and canine perspective. Thank you for the smiles, memories and love you gave us. Miss you already Ol' girl. 

Digging through bins of past belongings, and past treasures, I stumbled upon  handcrafted decorations from my childhood. With Thanksgiving and Christmas being the two predominant holidays which values and traditions surface and resurface, the bulk of my childhood decor were created accordingly in spirit. Preschool ornaments, kindergarden and first grade place mats and macaroni wreaths are among just a few of my prized creations which I pull out every year when decorating for either holiday. I couldn't help but giggle to myself this year, as upon returning back from Long Island back in September, my mother gave me a left over bin of holiday decorations to return home with. Opening the bin, I found an orange laminated piece of construction paper with a colored-in adult traced hand designed to be a turkey. At the top, a poem, followed by my name scribbled and signed in purple crayon with my poor elementary, slanted penmanship. Beneath the poem in bold black marker written by my teacher were the words "Thank you for _______" which we were to state what we were most thankful for. The words "My Nintendo" filled in the blank.

As time continues to move along, our priorities and values in life begin to shift drastically from a love for the far less significant, such as Nintendo, to valuing the time with the ones that we love most. Thanksgiving and Christmas's for me growing up were spent in the company of my extended family with 30+ over indulgent people, laughing, playing, and taking too many pictures. Today, much of that has dwindled as all the kids have grown up, our parents have gotten older, and as life continues to take everyone in opposite directions. Visiting my mother's condo, and being a guest in my Aunt Julianne's house again, I found my eyes glued to epic early pictures of my youngest cousins who now stand taller than me. The days of the bumble bee costume, and bad childhood haircuts have been long surpassed, but the images and memories remain vivid and far from forgotten.

Christmas of 1991. If I had the opportunity to go back to one day in my past, that would be the date. I don't remember every detail, but I can remember the shared happiness, and the outfit I wore. As per Christmas tradition, a family member would volunteer to dress as Santa to hand out gifts to the children. Some family members played the role better than others, one of the most memorable performances being by my Aunt Christine.  Aunt Christine, my God mother at birth, has always been the aunt who effortlessly would make everyone smile around her. Her silly behavior, ability to cry at the drop of a hat, love of life, laughter, Kenny G and Michael Bolton, dancing, sailing, and unusual fashion are just some of the many comical attributes which have always made me crave her presence. Christmas of 1991 was the year I received my favorite gift, a tape recorder, which for many years I used to tap the phone line on my teenage sister's conversations, do investigations, record songs I made up for my parents, and interview my family and stuffed animals.  It was the year that I questioned the true existence of Santa Clause, to soon after discover that he indeed was a fictional character. I remember it being one of the most memorable Christmas's together as a family. Our traditions were in full force;  which everyone was present and gathered at my Aunt Julianne's house, the kids played hide and seek, rough housed, and played nintendo, everyone ate their fourth and fifth course, laughed and talked loudly over one another. That long lost togetherness was prevalent. I would give just about anything to have those holiday's back.

This past Sunday I visited Aunt Christine at Stony Brook hospital in Long Island. She has been in and out of the hospital having had gone through multiple surgeries this past year in a battle with stage four Colon Cancer. Our family is no stranger to Cancer. My father battled Cancer throughout most of my childhood, and my uncle John had lost his life to Cancer (Aunt Christine's husband). As a child  we are numb, and don't quite understand the true severity of situations such as these. As a child, we view those parental and adult figures as being invincible, with spirits that could never be broken. As a young adult, I wish to feel that numbness. With her hair disheveled from a week of being bed ridden, I combed through the knots of her dirty blonde locks, feeling her weakness, as each tug jerked her head back from the root of her scalp. Tired of the pain, and filling out hospital forms, she remains hopeful that she will be released in time for the holidays to make stuffed artichokes and chicken parmesan. Strong with no signs of weakness, my selfless mother stands by her younger sister's side, caring for and keeping her company as she undergoes the emotional and physical strain of this evil disease. This Wednesday my mother plans to cook according to my aunt's instruction and homemade recipe so that her children do not experience a Thanksgiving dinner without her infamous dishes. 

Reverting back to the five fingered elementary turkey with the blank line:  "AMANDA -Thank you for ____________."

I find that it's more difficult now than ever to narrow down and insert what I'm most grateful for in one blank line. This year, I am most grateful for those who have colored my existence with beautiful memories, old and new. I'm grateful for the experiences my music has given me, the new friends it's connected me with, and the people it again has brought me close to, and back in contact with. I am grateful for the love I've been given and constantly receive. I am grateful for my talent and health. Please don't be blindsided by the over-commercialization of such holidays, and take a moment to reflect, and to recognize the true meaning behind it's existence. May your Thanksgiving be rich with blessings. 


XO,

Amanda

The holidays are only a hiccup away, and my quest for a new coat begins. I find that every new fall season, it's these next few upcoming months that life again begins its challenges, and that my skin grows another layer thicker. October over the years has become my favorite, yet most detested month of the year.

I find myself slowly slipping into a craze maze as i'm scrambling inside, looking for reason, contemplating my next move, and over analyzing life.  Unable to sleep, I currently type this at 5:24 A.M Thursday morning when I could have another few hours of rest. I wish I could sleep, but my pupils vigorously dance in my eyelids as I force them shut, refusing darkness. The next three days I have a full working schedule which I wish I could be well rested for. Seems as if my mind will not allow itself to power down.  

As a child, this was the time of year which I'd love to spend hours outside playing. I'd be anxious  as the change in weather would allow me to showcase my newest school attire. I remember waiting at the bus stop, shivering in the early morning, rhythmically walking on dead leaves just to hear the crunching beneath the soles of my shoes.  I'd anticipate the winter activity, the fun in gathering for the holidays. I'd long for the first snow fall, the first snow day, to see my breath in the crisp, cold air, for the first scent of crackling firewood from the wood burning oven of my childhood resting place. Somehow in age, I've lost all of that, and I'd do anything to gain it all back. Presently, I find the winter season to be an all round true test of survival;  I hope to not crash or get stuck in the midst of a blizzard, to not put myself in anymore of a financial bind, and to not kill my husband in the midst of battling self conflict. 

A very close friend of mine and I had met for breakfast the other day, which throughout the course of our meal we chatted sincerely about our marital flaws, differences, and personal struggles. This friend in particular always brings me back to my senses, and overtime has become my Rochester sister whom I can always rely, depend on in the event of chaos, be honest with, and vent to about the things that even my genetic sister would be less interested in hearing. For the first time in my life I admitted to myself out loud and regurgitated to her, the internal parasite that has been feeding off of my insides for the past year. 

The truth is that I feel extremely torn between two lives, one of which I began too prematurely, and one of which has embarked on a selfish, yet beautiful quest. In a perfect world, both would live in perfect harmony, but right now they are singing completely different tunes. I feel as if I've failed, as I have seriously committed long term to something which I can not give my all. For anyone who knows me well, they know that I value the commitments that I choose to make, and when I commit to something, I make it a priority to commit full heartedly. This is the one thing in my life that I SHOULD be two hundred and fifty percent committed to, and am only giving seventy five percent. 

I am beyond blessed for my possessions, for the people and the life I am given. I just honestly do not feel ready for most of the things that I currently have. Everything I've done up until this point in my life, has mostly been to appease others, even though it has been beneficial for me. From these life decisions I've grown tremendously, and i've been given the opportunity to gain a better perspective on life than most people my age have been granted. However, I do find that the mistakes I've made, (major mistakes which I am least proud of admitting to) are a reflection and result of the opportunities which I feel I've been deprived of having had lived. The real question is satisfaction, and what it will take for me to feel that I've achieve full satisfaction. Mick Jagger at one point claimed he couldn't get none….  I wonder if he feels differently now? If someone else were to place themselves in my shoes who longs for all the things that I already possess, would they feel a hundred percent satisfied? Is this a case of wanting what I don't have, and always feeling that I could have more? I genuinely hope not. 

I know that only time will answer these questions, and will bring on many new questions to ponder. What defines satisfaction varies upon the individual. Our differences are based on our desires and needs. There is no right or wrong answer, we just need to live according to our heart to find what is truly right for ourselves. May your heart be your guide. 

People watching on the side of Lincoln Road, my cousin Lisa repeated as she licked homemade Gelato from a cone, "I'm in my happy place."

DEFINITION Happy Place:
Adj. Where one feels a release,  positive energy and clarity that every day life deprives one of feeling.

Returning home,  I sit here with a knot in my stomach during a four hour lay over in JFK International airport , returning from Miami, and in between NYC and Rochester, NY. It's in experiencing those great highs, that the great lows are inevitably bound to follow behind. Next week I have a court date for yes, ANOTHER speeding ticket, have a series of shows lined up which I must prepare for,  have very little money left in my pocket, and tomorrow I will be returning back to my dreaded routine of serving/ bartending.  This my friends, what I'm experiencing, is the airport blues.

Throughout my fortunate upbringing, I frequently traveled, as I was able to reap the benefits of my mother's part time profession as a travel agent. Traveling is something that has been instilled in my sister and I, and something which we both greatly value. I owe a lot of my perspective, cultural awareness, and historical education to my past adventures with my family. 

Two weeks to a month out of my summer break, my mother would plan a family trip annually. Each year, we'd explore somewhere new, and would document our travels through photography. I mainly enjoyed going on these trips because I'd get to see a fuller side of my mother. I noticed that she was always more at ease, carefree, adventurous, funnier than usual. 

That final day of our trip, sitting in the airport, and upon returning back home, her personality would slightly shift again. Reflecting back as an adult, I think it's safe to say that the feelings I am feeling now as I sit here typing in the airport, are similar to those feelings that she was experiencing all of those moments in the past. It has nothing to do with having a terrible life, or not appreciating the everyday blessings or the people that make you blessed in those everyday surroundings;  it has to do with WHAT makes you feel 100% fulfilled as a human being.  For my mother, vacationing would bring her to HER "Happy Place" and would nourish her with the fulfillment she desired. Leaving would mean returning back to all the things that you temporarily were able to escape, hence the airport blues. 

My trip to Miami was planned accordingly to my only sister Jennifer's 40th birthday celebration. A new milestone for her, it was a special weekend which she had planned for many months. Our first day together was alone, which we spent the day at the beach, rode bikes, and enjoyed a sushi dinner. Later that evening, I hustled my way into a brief gig at a new piano bar at the Ritz Carlton off of Lincoln rd, which about ten of my sister's friends came out to show support and meet me. I had auditioned for the owner, who invited me to come down later to perform a short set. I walked in confidently, and left feeling the same as I knew I put on a good performance, and felt that I fit in well with the entertainment that had been a previous established part of the venue. Performing in Miami made me grateful for my musical roots back in New York. The market out there is VERY different, and it made me genuinely appreciate my musical peers in Rochester for their talent and guidance more than anything. 

In the days following, we were joined by a group of friends which have brought my sister love, memories, laughter and comfort throughout her adult life. Like me, they flew in from New York and were gathered for the occasion. It was an eclectic group of individuals, as each bared a different story, character, and background. Six of us crammed in my sisters one bedroom apartment, and made the best out of one another's company as we drank, danced, and laughed full heartedly at ourselves, and at one another. In the moment that our eyes teared, and bellies ached, I felt that fulfillment, as I was now linked to five new individuals through the power of humor and laughter. This moment, and my time spent with these individuals made me think about the value of laughter. Anyone who's relationship I've ever valued in life has possessed the ability to make me laugh until I cramped in my side. We were all grouped together for the sake of one special person, whom we were just a mere reflection of. Suddenly we weren't so different after all. Suddenly I had an epiphany. My "Happy Place" derives from the personal connections I make with those individuals who's character inspire, and who make me feel in touch with my core self. Sometimes it's musically that these connection are made, most of the time it's on a much more personal level. It is laughter, that HONEST laughter; the type that makes your face hurt, your nose scrunch, and exposes your mouth, that solidifies a relationship to me. Laughter to me, is the root of it all. 

Our week proceeded as the festivities continued. Together as a group we enjoyed the sunny weather, rented deco bikes and rode all over South Beach, fine dined, shopped, had a pool party, and ended our celebration by spending our last full day on a yacht in the company of six additional friends of my sister's. For many of us, it was exactly the type of getaway that each of us needed and desired. For my sister, it was the highly anticipated celebration that came and went. For me, it was the "Happy Place" that I'm disappointed to leave, but am ever so grateful to have experienced. 

Yesterday I journeyed from Long Island to Rochester, with the windows down noting the quick transition from summer to fall. I traveled in silence for the majority of my trip, allowing my talkative mind to cleanse, reflecting on the life left behind, along with the people who have shaped me into the person I've become.

Exactly ten years ago, I was sixteen sitting in my most dreaded third period math class. About fifteen minutes into our instruction my teacher was interrupted by another teacher, which their attention was diverted to a television wheeled into the hallway by a custodian with the channel tuned in to CNN. As I sat among my fellow classmates, wondering what it was that was keeping my teacher from resuming class, rumors began to circulate that a plane had crashed into one of our city's beloved twin towers. Confirming what we heard was true, we were also informed that our Pentagon had been attacked. Soon after, the first tower came crumbling down, followed by the second. Between classes I frantically dialed my cell phone, calling my sister who just six months prior had been laid off from her event coordinating position working for a company on the 81st floor of the World Trade Center. She cried over the phone explaining that her and her coworkers watched from atop of her new office building, a live showing of the horrifying images that we have become soo familar with. As each of New York's most powerful landmarks came crashing down, so did the lives of her past coworkers, and thousands of others.
 
A steel burial for thousands of innocent lives lost, this day marked a triumphant success for terrorists, and a new chapter in American history. That same month I attended four funerals of fathers of friends, who in the act of bravery lost their lives and left their families behind. It was a time which NYers really reached out to one another, where patriotism was again prevalent, and which we all stood united as one. I'll never forget this time for as long as I live.

This past Wednesday evening, I made my exit from a performance in Brooklyn, to meet up with one of my best friends in SOHO for fashion week. Driving over the Manhattan bridge, the illuminated city skyscrapers, the Empire and Chrystler building, instantainously ignited my excitement. There's something just soo enchanting and serene about the city skyline. I do have to admit, that even with ten years behind us, it's still weird to see the skyline without the World Trade Center being a part of it. However, To me, the excitement will never die. Holly and I chatted, and caught up on eachothers lives over Dos Equis at a nearby restaurant. It was a year before September 11th that our relationship was founded, and which my music career had truly begun. How fast ten years has past, how fast we have grown up, how much our conversations and priorities in life have changed. I still feel myself evolving, and I'm constantly learning new things.

Although it was a short trip, it was truly a trip filled with love. My trip began in Brooklyn, where I reconnected with my one cousin from my father's side of the family. She welcomed me into her beautiful home, which we chatted for hours, got to know one another, and flipped through pages of our family history. I listened intently as she explained her memories growing up of my mother, sister, father, and grand parents which I barely had the opportunity to get to know. Talking with her made me wish I had a stronger connection with my father's side of the family. Throughout most of our lives, all we've known of one another is what we've heard, or seen in pictures. My short stay was one that I felt was necessary in bringing our relationship to a new level of comfort. Leaving we hugged, and I felt the sadness that she felt, as I believe we both wished we had more time to spend together. It seemed as if we didn't really have to know one another on a personal level to know that we both loved one another uncontrollably. We are family, and to me, there is no stronger bond.

I left Lisa's early Friday morning, and drove straight to my cousin Kim's to see her two precious baby boys. We spent a few hours together, catching up and watching over the kids. Where I stand with children in regards to my future, I'm still unsure. Spending time with Kim and the boys did make me think about my future, and someday starting a family of my own. I'd love for the opportunity to share the type of upbringing I was fortunate enough to have, to pass on all the cool things I've learned throughout the years, to have a mini me. Watching those children, made soo many childhood memories resurface, and made me feel happy inside.

Later than evening, I ended my stretch of shows in Port Jefferson, Long Island which the venue was filled with family, high school friends, and long term friends of the family, many of whom which I haven't seen in over ten years. Knowing the majority of my guest list before performing, I knew that this would be the most important show to date. For me, it was my opportunity to showcase what I've worked soo hard at becoming. Looking around in that room as I performed, I felt happy and accomplished knowing that I was making each and everyone in that room proud, including my mother. Growing up, going to Port Jefferson was always a treat. It's a quaint little town on the water, filled with restaurants and shops, and where you can take the ferry from Long Island to Conneticuit. My father, mother, sister and I used to go there for ice cream, walk around, and stop into "Yuppy Puppy" (now closed) to pet all the beautiful puppies. In my teens, Port Jefferson became a place where my friends and I could spend our summer evenings walking around, and where we could go to watch our favorite local bands perform. Since I began performing, I dreamed of playing there, but never had the opportunity because I was underaged, or away at school. To me, there was no better place to play a hometown show, my FIRST hometown show in ten years. 

Afterwards, I had the opportunity to spend time with my cousins and my best friend Krystle who I never see enough anymore. To talk honestly with those who know me best, and those free of judgement made me feel complacent again, and a little less crazy. We laughed like old times, we vented, we supported one another, we danced. 

Sooo much love filled the room that evening, and I honestly never felt soo much love in my heart for each and every single person present. My mother had left shortly after my show, as she was leaving early for a trip the next morning. Despite the long drive and having to wake up early myself, I stayed out late soaking up whatever time I had left with my friend. Walking into the house at 2:30am, I found handwritten notes from my mother all over the counter. She had packed me two sandwiches for the road, left me directions, packed my car for the next morning and had washed and folded my clothes from my trip. I laughed to myself with tears in my eyes, as my mother often babies me, but also always goes above and beyond to ensure that I am perfectly set to be on my way. I collected my notes, and left one of my own with the message "I love you too, mom" scribbled in my most unflattering penminship. I hope one day to be half the woman she is.

With ten very important years behind, I look forward to the next ten years and whatever it may be that it's store. Life is soo unpredictable, and I'm finding as time passes how important it truly is to take in all that is given. We all know that there are times which life can be more bitter than sweet, but you have to take your blessings full heartedly as they come, and enjoy it for all it's worth.

Summer is officially here. My life is becoming more and more interesting by the day. Although I'm well into booking for September and October, I find myself living week by week as that is the only way I can remain focused on what's next, without freaking out over how much I've really taken on my plate. I've always been the type of person to take too much on her plate, but thankfully my number of nervous breakdowns has significantly decreased. I've mellowed slightly, and my level of anxiety has depleted, possibly due to the realization that freaking out over any matter only generally makes matters worse. I find that there's little room for disappointment by living in the moment, and not focusing sooo much on living in the future. You can't predict what life will ultimately dish out to you today, tomorrow, or in the end, so why waste any time dwelling on the future? Treat your life well, and your life will be good to you in return. Surround yourself with good people, let the ones you love know you love them, do anything you aspire to do, achieve what you set out to achieve, make yourself proud just as you long to make others, and never hesitate to be YOU. If only I would've realized what I know now years ago. 

A musician's life is interesting, and not easy to understand if you're not one, or if you don't actively work as a musician. I've been fortunate to meet sooo many fantastically awesome people through gigs, through open jams, locally and across the world through Facebook and Reverbnation. I finally feel that after a year of plugging away at all I've been working at, that it all is finally beginning to pay off. I feel the attention building, attention to my music, which before wasn't quite so prevalent. I also feel the growth musically. I'm capable to connect with my audience, to feel out a crowd, to ENTERTAIN like an entertainer and not like someone who is just up there to sing off whatever songs they have on their set list. I no longer fear the clock, and have the liberty to play whichever songs I feel will suit the environment. My repertoire has grown tremendously, and I'm able to pick up on music, and learn songs much more quickly than ever. My influences have expanded, and my songwriting has strengthened. I'm 85 percent confident in my piano playing; I now am able to improv, and to sit in with other players which I wasn't comfortable doing so much a year and a half ago. I no longer have to work scummy gigs, because I've gained the respect and built a name which grants me choice and not obligation. I owe this all to my experience. In the beginning which I started playing out regularly, I received a ton of criticism from my musical peers. I find it interesting, because all the things that I just mentioned, all the improvements I owe to every gig, and all the hard work I've put into developing my career. I don't understand how anyone would want to deprive themselves of that, or how they'd see any of what I've done as being negative? There's no question that living a life as a musician involves a lot of risk, a lot of sacrifice, and has at many points strained my relationship. However much the dollar amount, the pay off emotionally is well worth every lost penny.  

Well, with letting that off my chest........ Time to fill you in with what's been going on, and what to expect NEXT:

* SouLife Magazine launched their  3rd edition which featured an article on yours truly :-) You can read the article here: http://www.soulifemag.com/

* Music officially is going through digital distribution and will VERY soon be available for download on Itunes, CD Baby, Amazon, and more. More information to come.


* OUT OF TOWN SHOWS lined up for the next few upcoming months:
Syracuse and Utica this July, Boston in August, and September shows in Brooklyn, Manhattan and Long Island. Keep your fingers crossed, as there's a possibility for Miami in early October.

* Radio Live on air performance and interview with the Sunday Night Shakedown's Frank Deblase. Tune in July 10th to 98.9 the Buzz at 9:30pm.

* Back in the studio to record July 10th. New Cd will blow your mind, and will be the polar opposite of the last. I'm currently writing for Texan producer Frankie O. Solovely's tracks. Will be a mixture of R&B/pop/dance. 

Lot's to look forward to, so stay tuned :-)
Amanda

This past weekend I revisited SUNY Fredonia in celebration of my sorority's ten year anniversary. Visiting my old campus resurfaced sooo many fond memories. I treaded some of the same paths I once walked daily as we were engaged in activity with the intent of seeing the campus in its current state with all the changes the years have brought. You know that feeling you used to have as a child, of being in a certain "someplace" that you considered to be special, and thinking that that "someplace" was larger than life? Then revisiting it later, many years down the line, and standing in that same place which used to make you gasp and feel wowed, you take a look around and you suddenly see things for what they truly are? This visit made me feel more complacent with life now more than ever. I no longer want to relive my college days as I once did. Indeed, those were some of my fondest memories, and I owe sooo much of who I am to my days as a sorority girl, working hard towards my degree. It was then, that I felt like an adult. Now, looking back, and having experienced life outside of college,  I feel that it's the challenges after college life which truly help you earn adult status. College is just a primer for what is yet to come.  It's once you are thrown off your path, and that there are no longer any guidelines to follow that the true challenges lay. Talking to some of the girls which i had met who are going through the pre-graduation jitters, in a vodka induced preach I tried to explain that only the best was yet to come. Yes it is scary, and yes it is not easy. However, the learning process which is yet to follow is sooo much more rewarding. The years yet to come are the years which you will discover more about yourself than you ever imagined. It was in that moment that I was speaking to these girls that I had my sudden epiphany and that I felt all its purpose.

It's living in your twenties that you go through a series of stages within discovering yourself:
 
19-21

These are the years which you are looking to define yourself. For most, the first few years without any parental restriction. For college students, you are defining yourself within a major, and are working towards what you believe will be your profession in the long run. 21 is the year you are now considered "legal" to drink, therefor making you a legal adult. It's all balls to the wall. You are young, and suddenly feel invincible. Life is fun, and you are embracing your newfound freedom, living life frivolously because you can. 


21-23

The years which reality starts to sink in. The party animal in you has dwindled down  slightly, and your concerns begin to revolve around what your next steps are going to be once college has ended. Soon again, you are faced with new life altering decisions ie. Graduates school, interviews and internships in your career field, looking towards becoming financially independent, for many 23 is the cut off from mom and dad's tab. Now you are suddenly forced to make your own decisions, pay your own loans, find your way through any debt, and start thinking about big boy and girl stuff such as discovering the value in health insurance, monitoring your use of water and electric. For those who have gone through college, your best friends, the bars, and every other thing that you want and need are no longer at your convenience. 23 was the year which I felt more lost than ever. I felt as if I was starting all over. I had a degree, but was working odd jobs, I was overwhelmed with the newfound responsibilities that life brought upon me and I no longer felt defined. I didn't have a major that I was working towards. I briefly went to RIT in pursuit of a graduates degree in Fine Arts because I thought that was the answer, but just realized thousands of dollars into my first semester that I didn't even want to teach. This is the point where life sucks for awhile, and which you are struggling to regain an identity that has been lost, due to having to re-adjust your life. College begins to look more and more like an educated resort and the furthest thing from true reality. 22 and 23 I found myself trying to find new true friends to confide in, people I could be my true self around. I found myself being a little overly trusting, because I soo badly wanted to find a solid group of individuals to love and to be loved by in return to fill the void of all the friends that were suddenly long distant.


23-25

Relationship solidification. Rediscovering one's self. 
No longer did I care to invest my time in the people, the jobs, and all things
possessing no relevance to who I am and the person I am striving to become. It was during this stage that I met and fell in love with some of my most caring friends, and which my friends became my family again. They were the people I worked with, the people that always came to support me at my shows, my band members, the ones I shared my heart with and whom were always there during the more difficult times. It was also here which I fell in love with my life partner and soul mate. It was during these crucial years which I resorted to what and who has always made me feel happiest to be me. I felt empowered again, and ready to focus on making something out of myself by applying all skill, education, talent, and motivation to become something more. Suddenly I felt defined again, all on my own terms, and had gained a new focus and positive perspective. 


26-28
Seven days till I enter this new age bracket. Not sure what to expect, but am open to all possibilities, and am looking forward to experiencing what more life has to offer.


28-30
Again not there yet. But can only imagine the positive possibilities……..


Obviously I can only write from my experiences, and my experiences do not apply to all. Everyone I'm sure has their own individual systematic breakdown, and has been taught something a little different through their own experiences. What is undeniable is that we as humans are constantly learning, and evolving. There's always room to become further educated, and to constantly discover something new. With sooo much life still ahead, there is sooo much more to learn in the process. I've known many to have a crisis with each years passing. What is there really to be afraid of? With each passing year you gain a new perspective, maybe some new friends, possess some new skills, gain new experiences, and if you've lived your life right, hopefully are a better version of the "you" you were one year ago. I'll forever be gratuitous for those who have inspired me to discover these things at an early age. Life is too short to not be lived happily, and to it's fullest potential. Take a look around you, and let those in your life know that you love them and are grateful for all they've given you. With all the devastation that is currently taking place on the other side of this world, and all the heartbreak and suffering that people are experiencing as I write this, and as you read this, I hope that you will take this small piece of advice into consideration.