Indications that a change of season looms behind as the night temperatures begin to cool, and the bright summer days begin to become shorter. My calendar of events still remaining relatively full reassures that the connections I've worked hard at maintaining, have indeed paid off. A productive summer it was, full of new exciting ventures.  Pinching myself, because lately I feel entirely too lucky. I can't help but think that something is either bound to crash soon, OR that maybe hard work does pay after all. 

Interesting, as I had expressed this to three select individuals over the past week, which sparked the topics of confidence and security in all three conversations. Inevitably as human beings, we'll experience moments of self doubt.  Casually, life will interject with it's earthquake like challenges, leading us to question our abilities and strengths, making us vulnerable to ourselves and to the rest of the world. I believe this may partially reflect natural selection, which the strongest will survive, and which the weaker are weaned.     

As a high school student, I couldn't understand why the boys I liked didn't look twice in my direction. My rationale was that I was not pretty, smart, or fun enough. I also thought that whichever girl that boy liked at the time obviously had something better to offer that I couldn't.  

The kids I surrounded myself with in High School  were all extremely bright and gifted. In a graduating class of 1100 students at Sachem High School North, the majority of my friends were ranked in the top 40. I was an above average student, was in some honors classes, but my struggles with Math and Science made me feel inadequate. Comparisons to SAT scores also were a blow to my self confidence although they were also above average.

As a college student I questioned my ability as a Freshman Music Education student at Fredonia State. Music theory strained my brain, and I thought that the fact that I failed to mathematically dissect a song made me a poor musician, and diminished my musical worth. I eventually dropped the program and switched majors to become a fine arts student.

After Graduating college, I once again reverted to the thoughts that I was inadequate due to the fact that I couldn't successfully land a job in the professional world. I had a degree, but was waitressing, and hated every second of having my life ruled by a meaningless job.

Taking the risk I took with music  was the one giant leap of womankind which broke my questioning cycle, and made me realize, "Hey….. I AM smart, I AM capable, and this is WHERE I belong."  I'd be lying if I said there weren't and aren't discouraging moments. However, to me, those discouraging moments are what have kept me grounded and is the fuel I need to willingly accept a challenge and battle it to its end. Throughout the process I've evolved, and have become wiser, stronger, and confident. I've worked hard, and I've been rewarded. I've learned to accept myself, and love myself for my strengths and weaknesses. I am not superhuman, I am me. People will love or hate me regardless, so why care? I just want to be happy, and I am happy. May happiness be my shield. 

It's when I stopped comparing myself to others that I felt most comfortable in my own skin, and complacent in life. The fact of the matter is that if I walk into a public place, there will always be someone prettier, more talented, smarter, etc.  Every person has their hang-ups, their weaknesses. I never wanted to be any of those girls in high school, and in college I never wanted to teach music. All along, I really wanted to do exactly what I am doing now, but I was told that there was no job security in a Music Performance degree. 

Capitalize on what makes YOU unique, your strengths, and most importantly what makes you feel whole and significant. No one will ever be better than you unless you allow them to be. Don't forget it ;-)

I felt the hurt begin to build its way from my heart to my tear ducts just knowing that I'm hours away from packing up my car and returning back home to Rochester. What is considered home for me is very conflicted, as there's a part of me that has always felt more at home in Western, NY than where I was raised in Holtsville, Long Island. However,  my childhood memories, my extended family, being in the presence of those who have witnessed my growth throughout the years brings back that sense of home which I so often abandon, but cherish so deeply. Seeing my cousin's children play, I can't help but remember when I was smaller in size, and think about those moments which everything seemed soo large, so distant, yet carefree and innocent.

As typical, I emotionally break down on average four times when departing Long Island; once the night before I leave, and three times between the time I pull away from my mother's condo till the time I arrive in the driveway of my home in Ontario. 

Caught in motionless traffic on Cross Island Parkway, I found myself engulfed In  two very different conversations between my best friend out in Utah, and a close friend back in Rochester. Both having experienced loss in the past week, the bittersweet nature of life was a topic which translated to each of us, although our situations all differed. My friend in Rochester had 80 percent of his income cut from his job, and he explained that he would have to make some readjustments. In response to my candid admittance to feeling a bit heartbroken upon departing Long Island, he said to me "Maybe you need to make some readjustments in order to make your reality back home a better place." Absorbing his words, I thought to myself…..what exactly is it that triggers this emotion every time I leave? I then concluded that the main reason is the absence of my family, however, returning back to my struggles, and stresses on top of that absence is what's really the kicker. I would never disregard my blessings and the life I've made in Rochester, or the people that continue to positively shape my life into what it is today. However, what I've realized is that stepping away from it all for a brief moment of time naturally makes you reassess your situation, and forces you to look at things from a different perspective, even note which adjustments are necessary.  It's all a part of evolving personally, and professionally which helps one to assess what truly is significant, and in figuring what will best accommodate our situations, needs and desires. What it all essentially boils down to is two things: Balance and Legacy.

BALANCE

In the week leading up to my trip back down to Long Island, I made a point to tune into the 2012 London Olympics during times which I found myself having a free moment near the television. I typically do not watch a lot of television, nor do I ever watch sports, but I found myself captivated by the drive, and discipline of the competing athletes. The young US Fab 5 gymnasts were the athletes which I found myself to be most enraptured by. I could feel their adrenaline, their disappointment, their excitement, their anxiety. Their emotion translated as the camera fixated on their glossy, hopeful eyes.

I watched as one competitor stumbled on a balance beam, catching her fall by reaching out her arms and swinging her tiny, strong physique back to walking the beam, seeing her routine to its finish. THIS was my favorite performance. Why? Because it made me think. 

I thought to myself, "This is life."  Life is all about finding a balance, and no matter how long the routine, what the routine consists of, what's most important is that we swing ourselves back in check, even when we fall or stumble, and see our commitments through from start to finish. Balance is reflected in our personal ventures, is sought in our relationships, and in our lives professionally. In finding that balance we find ourselves engaged in a number of commitments, and struggling to discipline ourselves in not failing to fall too far behind, or away from it's original intentions, from the goal we were striving to obtain. It is the greatest challenge, is continuous work, but no matter how many times you do the walk, the true sense of accomplishment derives from the moment we take that last leap, having had overcome all obstacles in our way, and in looking towards a future brighter beyond all comparison. 

Adjustment is all part of achieving that balance. Part of me wants to change, the other part doesn't know how.  Alone in my thoughts, I sooo desperately want to return to being the seven year old girl running in the sand at Smiths point beach, digging my toes in the sand as the waves crash, and as the current shifts my body in any unwanted direction. I'm not sure what is destined for my future, but what I am sure of is that I want to continue to absorb each moment, and live each of my days happy and without regret. The fact that there are no guarantees in life at all, pushes me to see beyond the small picture, and to see beyond what is insignificant.

LEGACY

Paint the picture you imagine, and when you leave, may that same picture gain value and interest, and become someone else's masterpiece. I feel that the wisdom, and talent which I was given, was given to me with the responsibility of passing on a message to those who aspire to see something more in themselves and in their own lives. I do realize that this may come off as sounding spiritual, which is funny as I'm not a true believer of anything but Karma and purpose. As I type this I am coming to the realization that music defines me spiritually, as it also defines me in several other ways. However, the point that I'm trying to make is that day by day, whether we realize it or not, we are putting time in creating our own legacy. How we are remembered when we make our grand exit, runs parallel to the message and impact we left behind to those whom most were personally influential. Those whom which we've inspired along the way, the good those others made us see and believe in ourselves, the love, the happiness in those moments we've shared with those who mattered, the wisdom, the strength we've gained throughout our time………this is what matters. I've realized this all in trying to cope with recent occurrences in my personal life which people I love and have cared for are experiencing or have fallen fatal ill to life threatening diseases at an early age. Morbid, perhaps, but I've always felt that I am not destined to live a full life. Keeping this in the back of my mind, I feel even more prompted to regularly accomplish all that I desire, and to not waste any time. I am currently reading Steve Job's biography, and I found it interesting and relatable that he eerily experienced this very same feeling. This is what fueled his existence in becoming the visionary that he became. Unfortunately his life ended tragically too soon just as he predicted. We can draw inspiration from other's legacies, and perfect our own along it's journey. 

My history defines me, my present defines me, I define me, I am in control of my destiny. These life lessons, new beginnings, rude awakenings, tragic misfortunes are all what makes reality sooo real. This grounded sense of knowledge I feel is so profoundly significant in determining what's right for my future, professionally, personally, and emotionally.