FREE BIRD!

No, I'm not referring to the most over requested song in history. A free SONG bird; spreading her wings, flying forcefully against the wind, to the soundtrack of a rhythmically beating heart. I worry and question that this high may lead to unrealistic expectations, but am willing to gamble the odds. This entire week in Nashville has helped me again exhale without feeling a quiver. I've surrounded myself with friends, new and old, some of which have even taken the plunge and moved from Rochester. I often entertain the idea of moving, and having good friends already established in music city makes it all that more tempting to pack my bags and leave. However, this time around, knowing that I no longer have anything holding me back, I am peering through my bold blue frames with fresh lenses.

 I've been taking it all in; the good and bad, questioning the thoughts and experiences of those who have made the move, and sending out some feelers as to whether or not I believe moving is in my cards. Moving sucks. I've been moving this entire month and a half out of my house and it's daunting and exhausting. I really want to cautiously progress with every next step and stage of my life here forward. The necessity to invest a considerable amount of thought into my next move, has led to my development of Plan A, B and C. Fantasy, Fall backs, and reality. Time to put them in motion. 

This past week has had me thinking a whole lot, raising many questions for me to explore: Being in the land of dreamers, doers and believers, I wonder if a compromised balance can be found between them all? Is one the catalyst for the other? Does how much we believe in ourselves determine our will to push forward in "doing" what deems to be necessary in order to bring us one step closer to our dreams? Does one's failure to persevere through those crippling times diminish the competition on the other's behalf, pushing them ahead, making them more fit for survival? These questions, I've stored in the back of my mind and am constantly considering.  

It's been a week of binging on music and whisky. However, inch by inch the pins and needles from what has detained me back at home have been ejected, and slowly I've begun stitching back together the pieces of my heart.

Perfect moments with beautiful strangers. THAT is what my Nashville experience has consisted of, both past and present. I'm beginning to believe that my musical retreat here has been to serve a purpose above and beyond the fantasy of record deals, and wider musical acknowledgment. 

One year ago I toured the South, making Tennessee the focal point of my expedition. The universe brought me at the footstep of three perfect strangers, just two days after they had moved into their new house in East Nashville. For eight days they welcomed me into their new home, as the estranged, aspiring New York singer-songwriter crashing on their couch and making noise in their living room. By day seven, our bond had fully bloomed. By day nine, I found myself leaving with swelled, watery eyes not knowing how much time would pass before I'd have the opportunity to make it back to Nashville. 

Weeks passed, and summer began to rapidly morph into fall. One another again we found; this time they, at my doorstep in Rochester, NY.  Briefly, we united to exchange worlds Thursday through Sunday. Proving that Northern hospitality exists, I showed them everything and all of what I believed to be beautiful in both Rochester and New York City.  My biggest priority that weekend was to provide them with an experience that they'd forever be grateful for, just as they had done for me during my visit in Nashville. 

Laughter. Those whom which I hold closest to in my heart are the ones whom which I can laugh and cry hardest with. Those are the friends that I'll keep by my side forever. Dry moments don't ever exist with these three, and that's how I knew from the very beginning that our friendship was one of sincere value. 

These are the days which I live for laughter, and need it most.  Up until the past few months, I never before deemed it possible to feel such a broad number of emotions in such a brief span of time. The occurrences, the progression, the acceptance, the reality, the excitement, the fear….. it's all very emotionally taxing. At times it felt like I was walking head on, in slow motion, towards a tidal wave. The anxiety, overwhelming. My thoughts, disturbed. 

For almost six months I had this week reserved on my calendar in anticipation of a possible second tour down south in promotion of my recent album release with my Trio. As all begun to unravel in my personal life, so did my chances of touring. The push of my friend, ridiculously cheap airfare, gut instinct, and desire to break free prompted me to book a round trip flight to Nashville.  I've never been soo grateful for having had done so. The wealth of distraction back home expedited the arrival of my journey. In all honesty, I felt the least bit prepared, but longed for the escape. 

All feelings of airport aggravation and exhaustion quickly were dismissed the moment Spencer arrived to pick me up from the airport. Into the car he helped me load my guitar and luggage, and we gave one another one big embrace hello. The southern humidity suctioning to my skin, the sun extending it's rays over the city skyline for it's final hour of the day; I felt a sense of familiarity and immediately felt at ease. It felt good to be back home. 

Some of my favorite moments in life are the ones that showed up ever most unexpectedly.  They are what define my travels, experiences, outlook and often are shared with perfect strangers.  It makes me wonder if naturally we set expectations for those who are closest to us that aren't meant to be met according to the Universe.Back home, there are certain expectations to live up to, but here, all I have to offer is myself entirely. Vulnerability can be a beautiful thing. I am in my element, I am alone, and in my palm, I contain the power to choose. My choices are what will navigate me through the experiences which ultimately determine my future. Being in a larger city, head on with some steep competition, and where I'm most susceptible to criticism, I Ironically feel more carefree and at ease. All outside pressure is eliminated beyond the pressure that I put on myself because I'm already feeding at the bottom. Coming from whatever angle, the only way I have to travel is up. 

Soaking in each waking moment, I'm left to choose wisely who, what, where, and how I want to spend my time.  It's liberating, and in ways, I've gained a new appreciation for myself because of it. I think of how much I've grown over the past years, and the many variations of myself that have come along the way in the process. Certain people bring out certain characteristics, some which I've even believed to have far surpassed. Being in Nashville reminds me of being in music school again. Perfect strangers we are, all a bit lonely and lost, but determined to make the most doing the one thing we know how to do best. The outreach of friendliness is incredible. It's like freshman orientation where everyone is looking to make friends and to find their voice in their new surroundings. Collectively we are a sea of gifted strangers who have been released into the wild. Our will and passion to better ourselves and further pursue our careers is what bonds us together. 

Thursday night I attended "Live on The Green" concert series in the heart of Music City, standing among 20,000 Nashville residents and visitors. To my delight, my new favorite band "The Head and the Heart" were the headliners, which was coincidental as I had seen them a few months prior to my trip as openers for "Death Cab for Cutie"  in NY. I attended with my friend Brendan and various others whom were friends of friends. 

The music, the all round energy, the scenery, the harmonious crowd singing back to the band, THE BAND; I never felt sooo inspired in my life. For the very first time I even considered becoming a groupie. Everyone in the band played a significant role, and soo much heart poured into the music and their energy on stage. My mouth watered, craving a piece of the band's euphoria. I could only imagine how they must've felt on stage. I hope that some day my music can have such an impact as theirs had on me that night.

Closer and closer to the stage Brendan and I moseyed up as any open spaces became available. I shut my eyes to listen, still in my own darkness, left to feel and to allow my body to react accordingly. The energy was powerful and uplifting, and I couldn't relax my face from grinning. It was in that moment that I was among perfect strangers; sharing a beautiful moment, belly up, floating on the waves of sound. Soul meeting souls, and our differences, all but the same. A bonding connection; the bass, my beating pulse. It felt good to feel alive again. 


"I'll tell you one thing

We aint gonna change much

The sun still rises

 even with the pain." - The Head and the Heart

Cardboard boxes and rubbermaid bins; labeled and sealed, storing only minimal possessions I do not wish to discard and neglect. The home, just a barren shell of what was and the potential that could never be reached. I'm divided in two; one part empowered and anticipating the next chapter, to the second part, crawled in a fetal ball of devastation. My middle ground? Confusion. I've chosen to trade in everything for nothing. I've chosen to leap with the possibility of landing into a sink hole. In many ways, I feel happier, confident, and ready to take on the world. In many other ways I feel broken and conflicted. I am living proof of conflict in its truest state. 

One week ago I volunteered for a second year at Girls Rock Camp. Girls Rock Camp is a week long program with the mission of empowering young female talent. Led by a strong group of female artists like myself, voluntarily it is our job to instill confidence, and provide guidance to young girls interested in pursuing a future enriched by music. Throughout the course of the week I led and instructed vocal lessons, songwriting and music business workshops to the children. The children put together bands, construct an original song, create merchandise and show flyers leading up to their showcase at the end of the week, which they perform in front of an auditorium full of encouragers. It is such an incredible program, and I feel very honored to take part in it. Girls Rock Camp tugs on my heart strings in a way that nothing else does. It provided me with the sense of pride and positivity that I needed in order to know that I am appreciated, valued, and capable of having an impact on someone that is beyond destructive. Last year, the end of Girls Rock camp was the beginning of my journey abroad down south; my first lengthy tour baring musical significance, self realization, and the need for change. Ultimately, it was the trip that led me to my decision and to where I stand today.

Exhausted from a week of volunteering, shows, events and travels; Sunday I effortlessly slept to nearly one in the afternoon. Later that evening, I returned back to my former house to move more belongings, to find myself greeted and confronted with the eleven and a half years of my life that I've chosen to walk away from. I can't help but think about how different the holidays will be this year.  

Later that evening, I met a friend to go see the brand new James Brown movie, to find myself walking out feeling inspired, impressed, and motivated to continue my life long hustle in the music business. As we're discussing the movie on the way back home, I soon found myself caught in the distraction of radio commercial for Charisma Jewelers in the background. My reaction to the commercial "I freaking hate this commercial" generates a chuckle and a "How come?" from my friend. 

I thought to myself for a minute. When did i become so jaded? Why do I so passionately detest this commercial? Is it all just a sales pitch for a promise that has no guarantee? Look at me, what am I, what have I become? What is IT that I even want? For soo many years, I had the answers to all my own questions, but now it seems like I'm lost in this hollow shell, clueless, just getting by going through the motions of my daily routines. 

Every so often, life will present us with challenges which will raise a number of questions, leaving the biggest question "Who am I, and what is my purpose?" Since I was a toddler I've always known my path in life would be artistically driven. Up until my early to mid twenties, I ran my life according to tradition, living up to what's acceptable by society's standards. I excelled in school, I graduated college on time, I moved out on my own, I got married, together we purchased a beautiful house in a beautiful neighborhood, my husband had a great career, I had a budding career, and we shared two beautiful dogs. We broke the pattern of tradition by not having children of our own, which now, given our circumstances,  has proven to be God sent. 

On the surface, I had everything. Internally, I felt hollow. Now don't get me wrong, it's nice to have nice things, and I am extremely grateful to have had the opportunity to even know what it was like to have lived a such a life. However, what works for most, I've found to not work for me. I've come to the realization, that my personal fulfillment doesn't derive from tradition.  "Less" in many ways means "more" to me. 

What is important to me is how all those things on the surface translate to the love  that's comprised inside. Was I miserable? No. Was I happy? No. Do I feel I deserve more? Yes. Do I feel I have much more to give than my current situation allowed me to give? Yes. So THERE it is. Sure I could settle for all the things on the surface, but for what? Settle because I worried about breaking someone's heart, or settle because I worried I'd have to start all over, or remain out of comfort because after all "it could be worse." Then what? Have kids? Sounds reasonable. 

TRADITION vs. COMFORT

Tradition comes in various forms. The formality of tradition is what I find to be disturbing. Living in a free country we still are subjected to certain degrees of restraint according to what is accepted by society's standards. Congress is a perfect example which our own people are divided based on power, morality and stature. Under the same sky we breathe, institutionalized by elected officials who's morality and hypocrisy delegates the standards in which we're expected to abide by.

No question times are changing and that we've evolved, but many of these same expectations still remain. 

What is important to me, never has been what is on the surface. I don't want to lead a life based on an illusion of happiness. I want a life enriched with passion, creativity, travel, experience, love and friendship. That is the fulfillment which I am seeking, and I'd love to share that with someone who is seeking the same. It's like being in a desert and having a mirage of a castle where you are pampered to all things luxurious, just to find that it'll disintegrate within one touch.

In the desert I stand with dust in my face, beads of sweat pouring down my body, thirsty and unsure which way to lead a trail of footprints. I've traded in everything for nothing, but my will to survive remains.