Overloaded in preparation for my tour to Nashville, an upcoming video shoot, booking for the winter and fall, recording, teaching, and nightly performances; today I sit home with the intent of relaxing and remaining close to my lover.
The amount of work which has presented itself is baffling. Soo many exciting opportunities lay before me, I feel the strongest I've ever felt as a performer, and I feel I have my business securely locked down. This is everything I've strived to have, this is exactly what I wanted.
Unfortunately as one whole half of my life is lifted, the other half steadily declines. My life divided in two has resurfaced my anxiety, and deprived me of the sleep my body requires. As I maneuver through the motions, I find myself struggling to save all that's meaningful, and buying my time with what I know will potentially crash and engulf in flames.
Even with a tremendous amount of love, and support behind me, I find myself frequently traveling alone in all walks of life. The truth is, I can't rely on ANYONE. Until someone proves me wrong (which I'm very open to accepting), until someone walks with me full speed, I feel I have to take measures into my own two hands.
In this business, you either hustle to make it happen, or you sit there dream, and watch as your hair loses pigmentation, settling, and regretting that you didn't do more. I refuse to have that fate, as I feel I'm entitled to achieve all that I ultimately desire. I hustle because i love to see the fruits of my labor blossom. The results are what makes me feel proud, validated, purposeful, and worthy. I'm going to take all the risks I need to take. I have my eye on the prize, and even if it's just for a lick, I want to experience its taste.
Music IS who I am, and I can't change that. It's my driving force in life, it's my passion, my business, my purpose, my message, my sanity, my muse, my hobby, my happiness, my full heart and soul. How can I compromise the one element of my life which occupies and encompasses so many factors into who I am as a human being? How can I convince someone to love me for me, when this is who I am? Do I really need to change, and if so, how much of this can I REALISTICALLY change? I'm constantly fighting a losing battle. My only saving grace is to remain attentive to what's important, to who is important, and to try my damned hardest at making this work to the best of my ability.
This trip to Nashville is going to change me, I know it. How, and what realizations it will bring me can shift in two entirely different directions. I'm anticipating the lessons which await me, seeking resolution in what has proven to be life's most challenging and complicated of equations.
As colorful balls of fire crackle and color the night sky, I will watch in silence taking in the pure moments of normalcy, often forgotten and over looked.