I find myself slowly slipping into a craze maze as i'm scrambling inside, looking for reason, contemplating my next move, and over analyzing life. Unable to sleep, I currently type this at 5:24 A.M Thursday morning when I could have another few hours of rest. I wish I could sleep, but my pupils vigorously dance in my eyelids as I force them shut, refusing darkness. The next three days I have a full working schedule which I wish I could be well rested for. Seems as if my mind will not allow itself to power down.
As a child, this was the time of year which I'd love to spend hours outside playing. I'd be anxious as the change in weather would allow me to showcase my newest school attire. I remember waiting at the bus stop, shivering in the early morning, rhythmically walking on dead leaves just to hear the crunching beneath the soles of my shoes. I'd anticipate the winter activity, the fun in gathering for the holidays. I'd long for the first snow fall, the first snow day, to see my breath in the crisp, cold air, for the first scent of crackling firewood from the wood burning oven of my childhood resting place. Somehow in age, I've lost all of that, and I'd do anything to gain it all back. Presently, I find the winter season to be an all round true test of survival; I hope to not crash or get stuck in the midst of a blizzard, to not put myself in anymore of a financial bind, and to not kill my husband in the midst of battling self conflict.
A very close friend of mine and I had met for breakfast the other day, which throughout the course of our meal we chatted sincerely about our marital flaws, differences, and personal struggles. This friend in particular always brings me back to my senses, and overtime has become my Rochester sister whom I can always rely, depend on in the event of chaos, be honest with, and vent to about the things that even my genetic sister would be less interested in hearing. For the first time in my life I admitted to myself out loud and regurgitated to her, the internal parasite that has been feeding off of my insides for the past year.
The truth is that I feel extremely torn between two lives, one of which I began too prematurely, and one of which has embarked on a selfish, yet beautiful quest. In a perfect world, both would live in perfect harmony, but right now they are singing completely different tunes. I feel as if I've failed, as I have seriously committed long term to something which I can not give my all. For anyone who knows me well, they know that I value the commitments that I choose to make, and when I commit to something, I make it a priority to commit full heartedly. This is the one thing in my life that I SHOULD be two hundred and fifty percent committed to, and am only giving seventy five percent.
I am beyond blessed for my possessions, for the people and the life I am given. I just honestly do not feel ready for most of the things that I currently have. Everything I've done up until this point in my life, has mostly been to appease others, even though it has been beneficial for me. From these life decisions I've grown tremendously, and i've been given the opportunity to gain a better perspective on life than most people my age have been granted. However, I do find that the mistakes I've made, (major mistakes which I am least proud of admitting to) are a reflection and result of the opportunities which I feel I've been deprived of having had lived. The real question is satisfaction, and what it will take for me to feel that I've achieve full satisfaction. Mick Jagger at one point claimed he couldn't get none…. I wonder if he feels differently now? If someone else were to place themselves in my shoes who longs for all the things that I already possess, would they feel a hundred percent satisfied? Is this a case of wanting what I don't have, and always feeling that I could have more? I genuinely hope not.
I know that only time will answer these questions, and will bring on many new questions to ponder. What defines satisfaction varies upon the individual. Our differences are based on our desires and needs. There is no right or wrong answer, we just need to live according to our heart to find what is truly right for ourselves. May your heart be your guide.