Fickle temperatures over the past few weeks have been a torturous tease. Today's early morning chirping chatter has me hopeful that brighter and warmer days are on its way. 

I have been battling the unsettling feeling of writers block. I can't help but think that my lack of inspiration has come from playing locally for the past few weeks. This upcoming weekend's unfortunate show cancelation in Cleveland most likely would've been my saving grace. I'm ready for a change in scenery, I'm already bored.  

Making the most of my time,  I've turned my focus to maintaining my business musically, planning my schedule for the summer, re-negotiating some deals, picking up a few new endorsements, sending out  press kits and booking for my tour to Nashville, beginning to collect and assemble my Kickstarter packages, planning for the relaunching of Fresh Squeezed Original Artist Showcase, rehearsing and making recording arrangements for my next album.  This has kept me very busy, and at the mercy of my computer. It's been a whirlwind,  but I'm pleased to say that I have very few dates left on my calendar to fill.  

Waiting to hear back from Hunter Mountain and Belvedere as to confirmation for location, has me temporarily at a stand-still with video production. If I don't hear back from either of them in the next few days, I'm going to turn to plan B. 

A.A Trio has been reformed and up to speed. The original songs are coming along really nicely, and I'm excited to step back into the studio and to finally lay down our collaborative ideas. I'm really looking forward to our future shows together this summer. 

That's my update for now. I will write more once my motivation and inspiration has been resurrected! Have a good one friends <3

The relentless winter makes it hard to believe that Spring has even arrived. Exactly one year ago, I was traveling on a mini tour to New England solo, admiring the scenic road of beautiful Massachusetts in a bizarre warm front of 80 degree weather. Had I not actually lived it, It could've been deemed as bluff, as cold winds, and continued snow storms today, make that all seem like a dream. These days I find myself repeating how "I can't believe how fast the time is going."  I really can't. Six years out of college and living in Rochester, three years married, three years of playing as a professional musician. One week from today I will be lowering my face to twenty eight miniature flames, taking in a breath, with eyes shut, to gently exhale a new wish.  

Twenty eight years of existence……..

Looking back on my accomplishments, how far I've come, how much I've grown personally and professionally, I feel proud. I've gained such valuable perspective and knowledge, I've built myself a career and a reputation, I've gained the respect of my music peers, and have a strong following of genuine believers.  When I last wrote, I was feeling very defeated, frustrated, a bit scared. Since my return from Florida, I am blessed to report that some major developments and opportunities have come knocking my way. These past few weeks have made me realize how much support I have, and most of all, how incredibly lucky I am. 

With gratitude to my family, fan base, and friends, I officially will be taking my music on the road to twelve new cities, and getting to spend time in Nashville, TN.  All thanks to Kickstarter, I was able to get funded the proposed money in order to make this happen. I am extremely humbled by people's generosity and encouragement to achieve all I aspire to accomplish. I never realized how many people were rooting for me, how many cared. With the exception of my family, and those closest to me, I just figured nobody cared at all. I began this entire project with hesitation and without any expectations. I really never anticipated reaching my goal, despite desperately wanting to make it a reality. Although I've been going through all the motions, doing a lot of leg work with booking and organizing, it still hasn't fully settled in that this is actually going to happen. Whenever I think about it, I can feel the butterflies fluttering in my core. 

As of lately, I find myself unable to sleep soundly as my mind is occupied by a swarm of ideas and aspirations. I'm currently juggling a lot on my plate, and keeping myself more organized than ever in avoidance of having a nervous breakdown. 

I have been writing non-stop for the past few weeks between co-writing with my good friend Chris Krtanik,  and for a new album which I'm itching to record.  I am putting my project somewhat on hold, as I'm waiting to finish recording the debut album for "Lyndon Marsh." The project should be nearing it's completing by the end of May. I am very proud to be among the musicians performing on this album. The experience has been extremely valuable, and I feel my ability has strengthened because of it. I'm honored to play such a significant role in the process, and am looking forward to our future as a group. 

Chris and I have been friends for years, and I really admire him for all that he is as a song-writer and person. What began as just hired studio work has developed into something unexpected, yet very special. I've been searching for a songwriter like him to write and collaborate with, but struggled to find the right fit. Although our styles differ, we bear many similarities in the way we write and compose our music.  We have a lot to learn from one another, and naturally a new sound is developing the more we work collaboratively. It almost feels like I've met someone who finishes my sentences, except  our sentences are verses, and we've know each other for years.  I can't wait to see where time takes us, for this album to be complete, and for you all to witness some of the best work I've ever done. 

Working on Lyndon Marsh's album has me brainstorming for my next album. This next album, like Lyndon Marsh, will be fully produced, and with full instrumentation.  I already have in mind exactly who I want to perform on my album, which songs, how many tracks, and a game plan configured in terms of finding time to effectively get all those involved in the studio and recording. My goal is to record and release and EP before hitting the road for Nashville. I want this album to exemplify the progression I feel, and showcase some of my strongest writing material. 

Within the past few weeks, I've been meeting with Wol Omer of River Nile Media productions, in discussing a story line, and doing promotional photos in anticipation of my first music video for Frankie O'Solovely collaboration and original song "Be Free."  A true man of talent and vision, I am extremely pleased and excited to be working with Wol, and can't wait to begin filming. Belvedere vodka has agreed to make its presence, and we are currently looking to establish our location for the shoot. Hunter Mountain has expressed some interest, but I won't know for sure for another week or two whether that will be our shooting destination. I'd like to include all those who wish to be involved. The song itself is very free spirited with a party vibe. If all works accordingly to plan, I'd like to organize a day bus trip for those from Rochester/Buffalo to come enjoy the day by the pool/jacuzzi, drink top shelf liquor, have a BBQ lunch and  be a part of the music video. 

With so much to look forward to, I can't help but feel that maybe I've done something right after all. Life has an interesting way of showing it's appreciation for those who appreciate it most. 

Traveling through the clouds, I'm departing Fort Lauderdale and heading back to my Native land with a darker complextion, and an over indulged belly. Today I'll be returning to the routines I was so desperate to leave, but this time, with a clearer head, and a determination to refocus on what I consider, valuable commitments. 

The contrast between Delhi, NY and South Beach, Miami was equivalent in comparison to the nervous breakdown I was on the verge of having when I left , and how I feel currently. This trip was exactly what the doctor prescribed. I've come to realize over time how much of a loner I can be. Introverted from time to time, is my way of reflecting and assessing life at face value. With life happening so fast, I find that It's become easier to overlook all of its small, yet important details.

My trip began the moment my best friend picked me up at Fort Lauderdale airport. We begun to catch up on the forty minute drive to South Beach, where conversation continued, and where we also dined and met my sister at Barton G. My sister as ever always, made sure that we were treated like royalty, as we over indulged on Prosecco and fancied over priced appetizers. Until seven in the morning we remained awake and consuming until our eyelids began to weigh and our livers began to curse. Naturally, we awoke to a late start the following day, with an agenda to have a girls evening consisting of manicures and pedicures, followed by a beautiful dinner with an ever most outstanding rooftop view of the Miami skyline at Lincoln Road's Juvia. A second night of fine dining, and some of the best cuisine my tongue's ever tasted, we indulged on multiple courses and champagne in the presence of my sister's close friends whom were gathered to welcome my visit. 

Long bike rides in the sun and along the beach became a part of my morning routines, as typical, during my stay. The sun beating on my shoulders, and the warm breeze sifting through my hair as I pedaled my way through traffic and past name brand boutiques, was both liberating and tranquil. It was the perfect calm after the storm which I was seeking, away from everything and everyone I knew. My head was noisy, and I needed quiet. I needed to write, to re-evalutate, and to confront the demons antagonizing my thoughts and probing at my heart. As the days passed, so did my anxiety and depression. 

Wednesday night my father flew into Miami from Long Island, which gave my sister and I opportunity to get in some quality family time. We spent Thursday together poolside, and meandering South Beach and Ocean Drive by foot, hopping from art gallery to art gallery, stopping for a bite to eat to enjoy Mojitos and live music at Monty's on the water, and then touring Versace's Mansion. Later that weekend we explored more inland, and were guided by a friend who opened our world to the  Miami Art Walk. My goodness, was this amazing. It literally was a painted city, consisting of old condemned warehouses morphed into studio spaces and art galleries (over 40 art galleries) housing both the art of established, and emerging artists within the area. We walked around for about 3-4 hours, and still hadn't even touched an entire section of the Art Walk. 

By Friday I felt strong, revitalized, and ready to play music. I took my Ovation to tourist haven Ocean Drive, and then Lincoln Road. There, I sang my heart out for curious onlookers, and visitors whom by the days end, filled up my guitar case with $74 extra dollars worth of spending. Busking is something I've only recently begun to do, but can not get enough of. It truly is such an exhilarating feeling. At two different points I drew a crowd of listeners. Several thumbs up, and smiles of approval came from children, adults, natives, tourists, and from people of several different cultures, genders and races. I love busking because it incorporates two things which I enjoy most in life: (1) Playing music and (2) People Watching. The most unlikely people would stop by and listen. Tons of people were taking pictures and smiling, children were mesmerized. In those fragmented moments, I wanted to understand what they were thinking, what their purpose in Miami was, what their plans were for the rest of the day?  My only way to communicate to them was through song and with a nod of the flower in gratitude.

One thing was for certain, however,  and that was that I had suddenly become a part of a strangers memory. When they look back through their photos, I will be in their negatives, because I  became an unexpected part of their day that was not only picture worthy, but worthy of their spare change. Little did they know, that just as I was becoming a part of their memory, they were becoming a part of mine. I met such interesting people, people with stories you wouldn't believe. People of true character, and with an honest disposition of living for true fulfillment, as defined by them. 

Truth is, I stuck out like a sore thumb. I hadn't found one other person out on the streets doing what I was doing, and I believe people actually appreciated me for bringing art to their streets. It felt amazing, it felt gratifying, I felt appreciated. It's not like any ordinary gig at a bar, restaurant or club which people frivolously expect to be entertained. I believe it's the unexpected on both counterparts which makes it a unique experience. Each dollar earned is passed on with respect and admiration for having had taken the chance, and for the confidence to walk out to the streets practically naked (just guitar and minimal amplification). 

I played a total of three street performances by my trips end. Twice in Miami, and once at Ft. Lauderdale beach. 

What I've gathered and learned through this entire experience is how crucial "making a connection" is. On the streets you have very little time to do that. I'm singing to the open air initially, but when the people come, I have a split second to hook them in, slow them down,  or to at least make them turn back around. Music truly is powerful in that sense, which people of all different status and backgrounds are conglomerated under one common denominator. It is such an honor and a blessing to be granted the ability to connect with people on that level. I really am just so damn lucky. 

Although I'm not eager to trade in flip flops for snow boots, I'm looking forward to closing in on Winter and blossoming into a warmer Spring season. I have returned back to New York with a clear head, and an eagerness to dive forward into an infinite blank canvas, leaving colorful footprints and splattering paint as I make my way through this black and white world.

It's been 3 days since the Voice audition and since I've left New York. I currently am writing to you from South Florida, where I'll be continuing to try to drain my sorrows for the next  seven days. Miami has never looked sunnier to me.  This getaway came at a time which I needed it most. I'm in the comfort of my sister and best friend, the two people who make me laugh the most, and who understand me best. 

It's been awhile since I've felt this depressed. It feels as if I've been carrying an extra twenty pounds of emptiness in my gut, and I can feel my heart in my throat when I swallow. The second I raise my hands to my face, the tears just pour out like an automatic faucet.  

Four hours, one plane ride, seven pages of lyrics. Writing helps, so has the mass consumption of Champagne. I'm trying to channel all negative energy creatively, trying to absorb all the positive endorphins around me. Feeling better today, but my bruises have yet a ways to fade. 

I never expected to make the Voice. I just kinda hoped to at least make something. I suppose the reason why it even matters is because I felt that if there was a time, the time was now, and now that time is sifting through the crevasses of my fingers.  I've been confronted with reality. April 4th, I turn twenty eight. Soon, I won't be considered so young anymore. I don't want to be hustling like this another twenty years down the line. When will I ever be good enough? I feel as if I am doing EVERYTHING that needs to be done. I work sooo hard, will it EVER pay off? I know I have the ability, I just wish I had the opportunity to shine. I want nothing more in life than to make those around me proud. It just all feels like a very slow burn, and I can smell the surface of my skin singeing. 

My mind, like a whirlwind, spiraling a  mere trillion miles per second, sucking up my thoughts and cycling them around like lawn furniture and debris. Drowning in self doubt, lacking confidence, and hating myself for it. My nerves sincerely have gotten the best of me, and I can't rest till my fifteen to thirty seconds are up, and until I am force fed another spoonful of rejection. Rejection. It's nothing new….. so why do I care sooo much this time? 

This honestly has been weighing on my mind all week. I'd be lying if I said I don't want it. The opportunity would be incredible, the exposure, just what I need. The truth is…… I feel as if my time is nearing its expiration.  My opportunity to take it all to the next level is fading as each day passes. 

What I desire most is NOT fame, but to make it so that I can FINALLY repay my supporters who invested their beliefs in my ability. To make my family proud, to make my friends and fans smile in approval because they always believed that I'd make it. 

I'm tired of the same routines. I want to be something more, I want sooo much more out of life. I am beginning to realize that I may never even get that chance to prove myself…..and it frightens me. 

It's not even like my options are sooo bad. Worst case, I don't get accepted and I revert back to what I've worked sooo hard at accomplishing musically. I am happy doing what I'm doing, and music has brought me soooo many unbelievable opportunities and experiences. Monday I go to Florida to visit my sis, and tomorrow after the audition I get to spend time with my darling mother and father. None of these are bad options, so why does this stupid reality show weigh so heavy? 

It's 1:21AM, Sunday, Feb 17th.  I have 4 hours to sleep then embark on my journey. I hope you will keep positive for me seeing as I can't seem to do that for myself right now. I apologize for the depressing post, but I do feel better now for venting this.

There is something special about the Chistmas season that goes without saying. Tonight, my husband and I placed our traditional holiday keepsakes around our home, and put up our self contained Christmas tree, compacted with lights and pine cones.  This Friday I will be packing up my car and traveling down to Long Island to celebrate an early Christmas with my immediate and extended family. It's the only time of year I feel I MUST be in Long Island. Christmas anywhere else just doesn't feel like Christmas to me. 

The 8 eventful days I'll be in Long Island will consist of  (1) show in Smithtown, a lot of gorging, catching up with family and friends, a trip to Manhattan, possibly a trip out east to the wineries, and other things I can't recall. My mother and sister mapped out our entire week together, including hours of rest. I have to admit that I find much humor in this, as all the details in what we do really do not matter to me as long as we are together. Meandering Manhattan DOES however, excite me. We plan to shop, visit the gigantic Christmas tree, possibly ice skate in Central Park, and eat street pretzels by the financial district. In my opinion, there is no site more beautiful than Christmas in Manhattan.  I plan on bringing my guitar and busking the streets in between, naturally. I can't wait. 

Silently I sat and admired the work we accomplished in festively decorating our surroundings. The tree, glistening with white lights and standing slightly cocked to the right, serves as an ornamented piece of our history; as children, young adults, as a couple. Those ornaments most symbolic of special times, I placed gently in the front and center of the tree. They will serve as a reminder of the beautiful past I've endured through love, family, and friendship as the next twenty two days continue to rush by.

I want to share with you the following ornaments, and why to me they are symbolic, what they are symbolic for:
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 THE GOLDEN MACARONI WREATHE:

Comical, as my husband's muted objection is a result of my  relentless nature to find a home for it somewhere on the tree. I don't care how ugly it is….. it's one of the first things that I had CREATED, and was most proud to take home to mom and dad. It makes me think about my childhood, what Christmas meant to me then, and how's it changed now. I remember the excitement of climbing in the crawl space and handing my mom decorations from the attic, and helping my father sort out the color coded  branches of our fake tree. From one Chistmas cassette tape to the next, I'd switch or would flip over to the other side till I had completed setting up the manger, train set  and village underneath the tree. 

I can still smell the smoke of the wood burning in our fireplace, the crisp cold air, the smell of mom making chocolate lollipops and apple crisp pies. These were the years our family gatherings were at an all time high. Where everyone would come together at my one aunt's house, would eat and share several courses till we couldn't possibly eat anymore. The years which one of the uncles or adults would dress as Santa, and would hand all the excited children their gifts, and our parents would record every moment with their video cameras. 

The years which Christmas eve meant we'd have a big Italian dinner, then go to church to sing Christmas songs, and then come home and watch "It's a Wonderful Life" as a family tradition. 

The years which I'd wake up everyone in the house at 5AM, when dad would light up the fireplace and get coffee going, and the Mariah Carey Christmas tunes would be jamming as we'd open our presents. 
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SMOKEY, SADIE, PENELOPE:
 
The animals I loved, the animals that brought me sooo much joy, my first pets symbolic of three very important periods in my life; childhood, young teen to college bound young adult, Adulthood. The two of three whom which have passed but who's memories I'll forever cherish. My best friends, the only ones who's love for me ever was unconditional and unbiased. 

Smokey was a rabbit, He brought me 6 years of happiness, and companionship when my sister was away at college. Outside I'd play with him for hours, creating adventures for the two of us, and chasing him around the yard. I used to be convinced that someday he would have babies, even though he was a male and never had anyone to mate with. As most kids do, I'd long for snow days, just to play outside with Smokey during the winter. He was my first pet, and I was devastated when he died. 

Sadie, my first dog, the dog I begged an entire life for, came as an early Christmas present when I was 13 years old. She was the most beautiful puppy, and grew up to become a mischievous dog who would steal ornaments off of the tree. She lived for 14 years, and last Christmas was our last Christmas with her. I cried for days when she died, as a piece of my childhood died with her. I remember coming home on the school bus, which the bus would pass my house, and I could see through the window that she'd be waiting at the door with her tail wagging. When I went off to college she fell into the hands of my parents as I was no longer around to take care of her. I was always excited to come home to her though, and she never forgot me. I still miss her today. 

Penelope, my current hairy baby, was the first dog i bought on my own when I moved to Rochester. She's my right wing, and represents all that I've known since I've truly been on my own. I've had her as long as I've been in Rochester, and she reminds me of how far my relationship with my husband has come, how much I've grown, and how far I've come on my own in the years. 

Each animal has their own ornament, and will forever have a place on the tree, and in my heart.
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THE BASEBALL GLOVE

Partially a reminder of my tom-boyish past, but also an ornament purchased while vacationing with my family in Cooperstown, NY.  Traditionally, my mother would purchase an ornament for my sister and I at every destination we traveled to together and hold them aside for us. Two different ornaments from the same place, each contained a characteristic which was symbolic of our likes and differences as children growing up. Once we were both older, my mother sat my sister and I down with each of our boxes of ornaments to weed through. I kept the majority of mine. Not only are they memories of past vacations, but are reminders of how fortunately spoiled we were growing up to have traveled sooo many destinations. I know I speak on behalf of my sister and I when I say this, but those travels are what made us both worldly in perspective, gave us a cultural perspective, taught us historical lessons, and made us the open minded individuals, and good people we are today. I will forever be grateful for that.
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 COLLEGE ORNAMENTS

Ahhhhhhhhh, the years which we nailed our hand-me-down Christmas tree to the wall in order to stay up. Those were the years we made our college apartment our home away from home, and which my roomies were my family away from my family. We'd decorate our meager tree with tinsel, stolen ornaments, and some ornaments of our own from our past, in the company of a 30 rack of Keystone Light and Christmas music. We'd wrap our gifts in the family living room as we'd watch 90210 re-runs, laugh as we recalled some of our drunken stupor, and anticipated our winter break, which were followed by an intense week of rigorous testing as another semester slowly came to an end.  The years which responsibility truly didn't have to settle in yet, which our experience was equally valued as our education earned. When sorority's and fraternity's were where we most invested our heart and soul, when free food never tasted better, and binge drinking was a natural part of our existence. I smile every time I think back to it, and marvel at the fact that it was only five years ago since I've graduated, and can not believe how far I've come, how much I've matured. 
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"OUR FIRST CHRISTMAS" ornament

The year "love" became a term delivered with true substance. The year I began to truly understand what it meant to "be" in love, and recognized that it was possible for someone beyond friendship and blood relations to love me just as much, or even more. 

I remember the first Christmas holiday Brian came to visit. We exchanged gifts, this ornament being a part of our first real gift to one another. I showed him around where I grew up, and shared with him for the first time a lot of the memories I just recalled in looking at those ornaments. I took him into Manhattan for the first time, and I showed him around the city during the time I believed it to be most beautiful. It was the first time I so openly shared any of that with a boy, and the first time which it meant something to him because it meant sooo much to me.

It's been many Christmas's since that we've spent together, and many more are yet to come. I still sometimes can not believed that I am married, that we are putting up our very OWN Christmas tree, with our OWN ornaments, that we are creating our OWN memories in our OWN house.

With life being sooo hectic lately, I feel guilty for not always being conscious of that. I really am sooo lucky for sooo many reasons. 
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Sometimes we need those reminders……

Take a moment away from all the chaos and look around at what truly is important, reconsider the reason why you are the person you are, what and who has provided you with a lifetime of fulfillment. In doing so, you will realize just as I have, that you've already been given the best gift of all. 


Happy Holidays everyone <3

Speaking with my best friend Krystal over the phone, she brought to my attention that our ten year high school reunion is well on its way. I have mixed feelings about reunions. Maybe I'm not entirely right for thinking this, but it seems to me that people enter these type of functions with poor intentions (ie. to see who got fat, who stumbled off their path, who's married, who's already been married and divorced, who birthed what…….you get my drift). If it's not for dwelling on other's failures, maybe they're going to boost their ego, to brag about their accomplishments, or to prove something because they were demeaned in the past.  The irony in me saying this is that I've submitted my band's press-kit to the former class president with the mindset that the only way anyone would get me to attend something like this is if I'm granted a performance opportunity. How I see it  is that if there's anything people actually wonder or care to know about me or what I've been doing for the past ten years…. at least they can get a first hand glimpse, and in turn get a fun service provided to them. 

It is no secret that in the past ten years, the world has drastically changed. With social media ever so precedent and continually on the rise, there is little left to the imagination. With the power of choice and one click, our worlds again are virtually collided with whomever we desire to be reconnected with. By simply checking a status update or by browsing through pictures, I can obtain the information I desire to know about those old friends and acquaintances from the past.  Little is left to wonder, and frankly, those I have any interest in seeing or being reconnected with, I've already connected with. The true beauty of playing professionally, and traveling as I've done is having had the opportunity to make new connections, to meet new people, all while having the opportunity to rekindle past friendships with those who have had a significant presence in past and previous chapters in my life. 

Rewinding back ten years, I can't even begin to absorb how different I am now than I was then. I've grown tremendously, have gained so much perspective, have lived and experienced multiple chapters since. It's that constant evolution as human beings which continues to fascinate me most about life. 

No matter how long their standing existence, I believe that people are brought into our lives to show us something about ourselves that our own two eyes wouldn't allow us to view with clear vision. As time progresses, and as we continue to move forward, our life cycles will filter new and old friends as our paths inevitably take us in different directions. We possess the power of choice; in choosing what distance we'd like to keep those whom which have impacted our character and perspective.  Contributors of my fondest memories from childhood to this present day, I will forever in my heart be gratuitous for. No matter how many years pass us by, I know that if our paths once again cross, that I will be just as happy and grateful to be in your presence as I was in the past. Why? Because the smile lines I've inherited, tell a vivid story which still brings me joy to relive.  

It's in reuniting with our core self which we find ourselves reconnected with those distant and closest to us. It's a process which we forever will forego. In realizing it's value and truest potential we can learn to live a life enriched  by those figures factored into our past, present and future selves.

Indications that a change of season looms behind as the night temperatures begin to cool, and the bright summer days begin to become shorter. My calendar of events still remaining relatively full reassures that the connections I've worked hard at maintaining, have indeed paid off. A productive summer it was, full of new exciting ventures.  Pinching myself, because lately I feel entirely too lucky. I can't help but think that something is either bound to crash soon, OR that maybe hard work does pay after all. 

Interesting, as I had expressed this to three select individuals over the past week, which sparked the topics of confidence and security in all three conversations. Inevitably as human beings, we'll experience moments of self doubt.  Casually, life will interject with it's earthquake like challenges, leading us to question our abilities and strengths, making us vulnerable to ourselves and to the rest of the world. I believe this may partially reflect natural selection, which the strongest will survive, and which the weaker are weaned.     

As a high school student, I couldn't understand why the boys I liked didn't look twice in my direction. My rationale was that I was not pretty, smart, or fun enough. I also thought that whichever girl that boy liked at the time obviously had something better to offer that I couldn't.  

The kids I surrounded myself with in High School  were all extremely bright and gifted. In a graduating class of 1100 students at Sachem High School North, the majority of my friends were ranked in the top 40. I was an above average student, was in some honors classes, but my struggles with Math and Science made me feel inadequate. Comparisons to SAT scores also were a blow to my self confidence although they were also above average.

As a college student I questioned my ability as a Freshman Music Education student at Fredonia State. Music theory strained my brain, and I thought that the fact that I failed to mathematically dissect a song made me a poor musician, and diminished my musical worth. I eventually dropped the program and switched majors to become a fine arts student.

After Graduating college, I once again reverted to the thoughts that I was inadequate due to the fact that I couldn't successfully land a job in the professional world. I had a degree, but was waitressing, and hated every second of having my life ruled by a meaningless job.

Taking the risk I took with music  was the one giant leap of womankind which broke my questioning cycle, and made me realize, "Hey….. I AM smart, I AM capable, and this is WHERE I belong."  I'd be lying if I said there weren't and aren't discouraging moments. However, to me, those discouraging moments are what have kept me grounded and is the fuel I need to willingly accept a challenge and battle it to its end. Throughout the process I've evolved, and have become wiser, stronger, and confident. I've worked hard, and I've been rewarded. I've learned to accept myself, and love myself for my strengths and weaknesses. I am not superhuman, I am me. People will love or hate me regardless, so why care? I just want to be happy, and I am happy. May happiness be my shield. 

It's when I stopped comparing myself to others that I felt most comfortable in my own skin, and complacent in life. The fact of the matter is that if I walk into a public place, there will always be someone prettier, more talented, smarter, etc.  Every person has their hang-ups, their weaknesses. I never wanted to be any of those girls in high school, and in college I never wanted to teach music. All along, I really wanted to do exactly what I am doing now, but I was told that there was no job security in a Music Performance degree. 

Capitalize on what makes YOU unique, your strengths, and most importantly what makes you feel whole and significant. No one will ever be better than you unless you allow them to be. Don't forget it ;-)

I felt the hurt begin to build its way from my heart to my tear ducts just knowing that I'm hours away from packing up my car and returning back home to Rochester. What is considered home for me is very conflicted, as there's a part of me that has always felt more at home in Western, NY than where I was raised in Holtsville, Long Island. However,  my childhood memories, my extended family, being in the presence of those who have witnessed my growth throughout the years brings back that sense of home which I so often abandon, but cherish so deeply. Seeing my cousin's children play, I can't help but remember when I was smaller in size, and think about those moments which everything seemed soo large, so distant, yet carefree and innocent.

As typical, I emotionally break down on average four times when departing Long Island; once the night before I leave, and three times between the time I pull away from my mother's condo till the time I arrive in the driveway of my home in Ontario. 

Caught in motionless traffic on Cross Island Parkway, I found myself engulfed In  two very different conversations between my best friend out in Utah, and a close friend back in Rochester. Both having experienced loss in the past week, the bittersweet nature of life was a topic which translated to each of us, although our situations all differed. My friend in Rochester had 80 percent of his income cut from his job, and he explained that he would have to make some readjustments. In response to my candid admittance to feeling a bit heartbroken upon departing Long Island, he said to me "Maybe you need to make some readjustments in order to make your reality back home a better place." Absorbing his words, I thought to myself…..what exactly is it that triggers this emotion every time I leave? I then concluded that the main reason is the absence of my family, however, returning back to my struggles, and stresses on top of that absence is what's really the kicker. I would never disregard my blessings and the life I've made in Rochester, or the people that continue to positively shape my life into what it is today. However, what I've realized is that stepping away from it all for a brief moment of time naturally makes you reassess your situation, and forces you to look at things from a different perspective, even note which adjustments are necessary.  It's all a part of evolving personally, and professionally which helps one to assess what truly is significant, and in figuring what will best accommodate our situations, needs and desires. What it all essentially boils down to is two things: Balance and Legacy.

BALANCE

In the week leading up to my trip back down to Long Island, I made a point to tune into the 2012 London Olympics during times which I found myself having a free moment near the television. I typically do not watch a lot of television, nor do I ever watch sports, but I found myself captivated by the drive, and discipline of the competing athletes. The young US Fab 5 gymnasts were the athletes which I found myself to be most enraptured by. I could feel their adrenaline, their disappointment, their excitement, their anxiety. Their emotion translated as the camera fixated on their glossy, hopeful eyes.

I watched as one competitor stumbled on a balance beam, catching her fall by reaching out her arms and swinging her tiny, strong physique back to walking the beam, seeing her routine to its finish. THIS was my favorite performance. Why? Because it made me think. 

I thought to myself, "This is life."  Life is all about finding a balance, and no matter how long the routine, what the routine consists of, what's most important is that we swing ourselves back in check, even when we fall or stumble, and see our commitments through from start to finish. Balance is reflected in our personal ventures, is sought in our relationships, and in our lives professionally. In finding that balance we find ourselves engaged in a number of commitments, and struggling to discipline ourselves in not failing to fall too far behind, or away from it's original intentions, from the goal we were striving to obtain. It is the greatest challenge, is continuous work, but no matter how many times you do the walk, the true sense of accomplishment derives from the moment we take that last leap, having had overcome all obstacles in our way, and in looking towards a future brighter beyond all comparison. 

Adjustment is all part of achieving that balance. Part of me wants to change, the other part doesn't know how.  Alone in my thoughts, I sooo desperately want to return to being the seven year old girl running in the sand at Smiths point beach, digging my toes in the sand as the waves crash, and as the current shifts my body in any unwanted direction. I'm not sure what is destined for my future, but what I am sure of is that I want to continue to absorb each moment, and live each of my days happy and without regret. The fact that there are no guarantees in life at all, pushes me to see beyond the small picture, and to see beyond what is insignificant.

LEGACY

Paint the picture you imagine, and when you leave, may that same picture gain value and interest, and become someone else's masterpiece. I feel that the wisdom, and talent which I was given, was given to me with the responsibility of passing on a message to those who aspire to see something more in themselves and in their own lives. I do realize that this may come off as sounding spiritual, which is funny as I'm not a true believer of anything but Karma and purpose. As I type this I am coming to the realization that music defines me spiritually, as it also defines me in several other ways. However, the point that I'm trying to make is that day by day, whether we realize it or not, we are putting time in creating our own legacy. How we are remembered when we make our grand exit, runs parallel to the message and impact we left behind to those whom most were personally influential. Those whom which we've inspired along the way, the good those others made us see and believe in ourselves, the love, the happiness in those moments we've shared with those who mattered, the wisdom, the strength we've gained throughout our time………this is what matters. I've realized this all in trying to cope with recent occurrences in my personal life which people I love and have cared for are experiencing or have fallen fatal ill to life threatening diseases at an early age. Morbid, perhaps, but I've always felt that I am not destined to live a full life. Keeping this in the back of my mind, I feel even more prompted to regularly accomplish all that I desire, and to not waste any time. I am currently reading Steve Job's biography, and I found it interesting and relatable that he eerily experienced this very same feeling. This is what fueled his existence in becoming the visionary that he became. Unfortunately his life ended tragically too soon just as he predicted. We can draw inspiration from other's legacies, and perfect our own along it's journey. 

My history defines me, my present defines me, I define me, I am in control of my destiny. These life lessons, new beginnings, rude awakenings, tragic misfortunes are all what makes reality sooo real. This grounded sense of knowledge I feel is so profoundly significant in determining what's right for my future, professionally, personally, and emotionally.